An Isolated Mind - I'm Losing Myself REVIEW

Truly compelling releases only show themselves once and a while. Most albums I listen to usually garner a response similar to "Wow, this album really rips!" or "Man, that record's sick!" This record is something different. It is something grotesque, frightening and beautiful, as this sort of release is not put out into the wide world of underground metal every day. While I've said Together to the Stars' and Ashbringer's respective 2019 efforts were 'compelling', neither can hold a candle comparatively to An Isolated Mind's debut, I'm Losing Myself, which is an intense album, to say the least. Lyrics about mental illness do not often make my listening experience an uncomfortable one, but the instrumentation aids the distorted vocals in conveying the haunting message this release tells. So what makes this album stand out among the releases this year, and is it good?

I'm Losing Myself clocks in at just under one hour, with 7 tracks to show for it. Beginning with a quick intro track, "We Are Fragile Vibrations" acts as a slight build to the noisy, chaotic track which follows. While it doesn't offer much in memorability, the cut is certainly necessary as it allows the listener to take a deep breath before the abrasive sounds begin. Once the intensity on this album truly starts, it leaves the listener hard of breath until the next section of ambiance, which does not appear often on the A-side of this album. This aggressiveness begins with "Afraid of Dissonance" which speeds breakneck into a complicated, polyrhythmic drum pattern while a haunting, dissonant riff drones an ascending arpeggio for almost two minutes. Low and guttural vocals enter shortly after the track begins, with somber powerful lyrics that are chilling to even read. I am going to for the first time on this blog post a good portion of the lyrics of these songs, as the poetry that they encompass is truly powerful. Over this previously mentioned section, we hear,

'I fear my own mind

And its bizarre contortions of the past

I know nothing

I see all

With a fleeting I

Reliving the genocide of past lives

longing for the attention of God'

We also hear my favorite aspect of this album in this opening section of this song. The use of swelling feedback and reverb-laden guitars over certain sections across the various tracks is brilliant. It is a near-perfect showcase of the uncomfortable and challenging feelings associated with mental illness, as there is just another layer on top of all of this chaos. This rings true for the rest of the album. The next section of the track is one of the more powerful and challenging parts of the album to listen to. The words 'Please let go' ring out as feedback drones over blistering drums and noisy guitars, which clogs your ears and brings a cold sweat to the more attuned listener. A feeling of unease is left, with a slower, less noisy, but still intense section following. The lines:

'I will break through

To the other side

There awaits

A life worth living'

are screamed over this intense section, which suddenly fades as a beautiful and somber clarinet finds its way into the track. The drums hit lighter, and the guitar chords ring out clean to bring a chilling end to a stunning track. I was blown away by this cut on my first listen, and I still am on my tenth. This track alone is one of the best in extreme music this year, a perfect combination of dissonance, songcraft and artistic vision.

The following two tracks, "Eternity in a Minute" and "Turritopis Dohrnii" are two exceptional follow-ups to "Afraid of Dissonance". The first fades in with a churning tremolo guitar riff and machine-gun blast beats. As the harsh vocals enter, screaming

'A moment sacrificed to the day

To feed the gaping mouth of time

Cycles to trap a fearful mind

Within a concrete cage',

 we begin to understand the lyrical motives of this art. A constant theme of this album is in that of social isolation. The feeling of being trapped, fearing what is inside the prisonous mind of the artist, and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness in this. However, there is also hope in these lyrics; The hope of escape from the torturous and muddled confines of one's own psyche. The next section amplifies these reformations, as the guitars strum clean chords, the refrain 'Please help me' rings out, all while the drums pound away lower in the mix. A similar "verse-chorus" structure follows, with the same instrumentation of the beginning with the lyrics

'She said "I'll be back in a minute"

A cold wind chilled me down to my essence

I knew she would never be back

I knew she was never there',

soon followed by the clean 'Please help me' section. The lyrics here show a personal struggle with an unknown person who has seemingly left the artist in this state or has failed to help them escape from this situation. The midsection of this song is comprised of howling winds, feedback and deep and bellowing tones, presumably by synthesizers, all of which provide one of the previously mentioned 'breather' moments in the tracklist. After this, the noise hovers now under a guitar riff. Atmospheric and looming, the riff continues over a few minutes to end the song. This song is more beautiful and haunting than the previous and helps showcase what strong songwriting is present on the album. Not everything is chaos and destruction; there is a lighter and more beautiful side to things, even if those are still disturbing and haunting. 

In this interview (http://www.invisibleoranges.com/an-isolated-mind-interview/) with Jenna DePasquale of Invisible Oranges, the man behind this solo project, Kameron Bogges, talks about his struggles with mental illnesses that went into the creation of this work. He also delves into the actual creative process of the writing and recording of it. One of the more interesting points talked about is the true experimentality of the record, where he recorded many demos only to scrap them, completely starting anew, to keep the experimentality and raw emotion fresh in each track. This is something very admirable about this music, as it puts it into perspective how true feeling can drive something so beautiful and so destructive at the same time, and all the while determining whether or not a cut is included on the album.

Track 4 "Turritopsis Dohrnii" is less noisy to begin with, and is more riff-heavy and songwriting centric. Referring back to what Bogges' discussed in that interview, it is clear to see where the emotional divide came in the songwriting process. Hard-hitting and almost catchy at times, this track sees An Isolated Mind at their 'cleanest'. The first few minutes of the song are comprised of an epic experimental black metal riff with polyrhythmic drums to blast the listener sonically, differently than what it had done before. The vocals on this track are, similar to the other two tracks before it, on the first half and the more aggressive section of the song. 

'When you've seen all that there is

Will you come back to Earth?

Walking slowly toward the engrossing light

What more can death bring

That life has not prepared for?

Abstract forms tear off my skin

Replace my eyes with diamonds

I regress to a polyp',

These tell a tale of pondering over the subject of death and its vices, and questioning whether or not life itself is worth it. Bogges is saying that questioning this is dangerous, as doing so can perhaps develop into something truly harmful, similar to a polyp regarding cancer. This only encompasses the first half of the track, as the latter calms into almost a post-rock song, with beautiful and serene guitar melodies and softly played drums. This leads to another one of the best moments on the album, where a chilling lead line is played about two minutes before the close of the track. It repeats as more and more is added on top of it, with a counter melody, somber-filled strings, haunting piano, and churning synths all being showcased in the ending section. This song, in particular, is a great indicator of Bogges' finesse when it regards to genre-hopping with ease. From blistering black metal to atmospheric rock, An Isolated Mind seems to do it all. 

The next track, "Pathologized Existence", might be my favorite in the tracklist. Beginning with breakneck drums, a high pitched guitar line and ferocious vocals. The lyrics of the first 'verse' are

'Walking towards the house

Not sure if I'm asleep or dead

The ravens call for me

To rest my weary head

Have I become a ghost?

Can others see me at all?

Do they know I've lived a thousand lives for them?

And yet I ask for nothing in return

The suffering incurred

through separation

Pathologize my existence

Repress the beauty in a single moment',

which pertain to the anxiety and fear relating to the treatment of Bogges' episode which precursed this album (read the Invisible Orange interview for more information). It's described that by degrading one to this state, a stigmatism of his condition and treatment is created by others and one's self, which is depicted perfectly in these lyrics. The closest thing to a chorus on this track follows this, with a high pitched guitar lead and the spoken words "I forgive you...for what you've done to me... it's time to move on...from this suffering" separated by intense screams and is hair raising to hear on every listen. After this, the riff changes into an eerily picked riff which leads into a delayed pounding two notes by the rhythm section. This builds with additional guitars until the riff explodes into a full tremolo section with blitzkrieg drums which continues for a healthy thirty seconds.  The track then relapses into the guitar line and sequential rhythm hits prior for a brief stint until feedback swells into a sluggish breakdown where everything slows almost to a halt. The harsh vocals return. 

'I won't ever be the same

I can't go back to the way it used to be

There's something more, I can't explain

I gave up trying

And it set me free

Time has dissolved

The concrete cage has lifted

I cannot fear myself

If I do not exist

I do not exist

I do not exist',

These state Bogges will never be the same after this treatment, and how a new self has been birthed that is a changed person. It's hopeful yet haunting message continues on throughout the next two tracks, totaling 26 minutes. The title track "I'm Losing Myself" and the finale "I've Lost Myself" are two of, if not the most emotional tracks on the album. "I'm Losing Myself" is a post-rock song with beautiful descending reverbed guitar lines and somber chords that create a beautiful, chilling atmosphere that the album has yet to show. The sounds are hopeful; there is no aggression, but chaotic crashing piano and guitar licks hang in the background, low in the mix. The foreground is peaceful, but what lies beyond is confusing and almost sinister. The track does grow noisier and more chaotic as it progresses, but the allure never leaves. It only fades, just as Bogges' sanity had in his senior year of college. The last track is 17 minutes. It is merely light droning tones, that ascend, descend and fade. It is the perfect closer to this album. The fight the album has presented is gone, and all that's left is a void, where the feeling is no more. The feeling of surrender overwhelmed me as I finished this album, as it was meant to do. Then, I relistened to it. 

This album is amazing. It is challenging to get through, musically and mentally. Your emotions will be tested if you have the patience and curiosity to listen. This one-man black metal band has created one of the year's best extreme releases, and it is not one to be missed. I was late to the party on it by a few months, and I solemnly regret it. No album has made me more emotional this year, and I do not think one will. Listen to this album, and if it isn't for you, fine. But do not sleep on this. You will be missing out on one of 2019's best albums in the process.

Final Score: This album hits so hard, please listen to it.

Favorite Tracks: "Pathogolized Existence", "Afraid of Dissonance"